Narcissists are incapable of co-parenting, they will always counter parent, and that's because they need to continue to control you, and they'll use your children to do so.
They’re incapable of putting their children’s needs before their very own.
They have zero qualms hurting their children if it means they get what they want.
Here are some signs that your children are being counter parented:
Your children’s transitions are hard. They don’t want to go, and when they come back, they’re completely dysregulated.
Your children come back with adult intel and ask questions above their age level.
They come back rude, belligerent, dismissive, withdrawn, disrespectful, closed off, quiet, defiant, argumentative.
They start to withdraw physical affection from you. Where once they sought you out, they now hesitate to touch you and shy away from your touch.
Frequent meltdowns that are outside of their norm.
Increased fighting and bickering between siblings. They seem to be competing; seem more critical of one another; they put one another down.
They start to question you, your worth, your value, your integrity, your parenting, your honesty. And also, that of those you love.
Here are some key reminders:
It’s important to not take this behaviour personally, despite how very personal it may feel.
Your children are doing the very best they can to survive, in an incredibly inhospitable environment, the best and only way they see how.
Your children are dysregulated by their other parent and need you to help them regulate back to a parasympathetic state.
They need to work through their fight, flight, fawn and freeze state.
Children behave this way with you, because they know you are the safe parent and will love them unconditionally.
Your children mimic the behaviour they see and experience.
Your children aren’t allowed to have a voice, a say, privacy, boundaries, or independent thoughts and ideas in their other home, so it’s all repressed and then unleashed with you, because you’re safe.
Your children need you to help them navigate all of this confusion, chaos, and uncertainty. Your role is so vital to them thriving, despite what their other parent does or doesn’t do.
Don’t ever forget that.
Your unconditional love + strategic parenting = children who will be better equipped to deal with their narcissistic parent, the manipulation and the abuse.
Chantal xo
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